How Do I Forgive?: A Conversation on Letting Go, Healing, and Following Jesus

Hands open beneath the crown of thorns — a reminder that forgiveness begins where His blood was first offered.

Forgiveness is one of those topics we all nod our heads at in church…until we actually have to do it. It’s easy to say, “Of course, I should forgive.” It’s much harder when someone has actually hurt you, disappointed you, or betrayed your trust.

This past Sunday, Pastor Adam preached on forgiveness, and I found myself both challenged and relieved. His message was simple, but incredibly practical — one of those sermons where you feel like God is talking to you about a specific person or situation before you even get to your car.

Below is a reflection on what he shared, and then a few added thoughts and Scriptures that extend the conversation a little deeper.

Walking Through Pastor Adam’s Notes

Pastor Adam started with a straightforward definition:

Forgive: to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Nothing fancy. No theological vocabulary. Just a definition we can all understand, and one we all struggle to practice. What I loved was how he shifted the focus away from what people have done to us and toward what God has done for us. He said:

"Base your forgiveness on what God has done for you, not on what the person has done to you."

That’s a perspective shift. We don’t forgive because someone deserves it. We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. That’s what makes Christian forgiveness so radically different from the world’s version.

If I only forgive people who earn it…well, that’s not forgiveness at all. That’s just reward.

Pastor Adam then said something I think all of us needed to hear:

"See your offender through the eyes of Jesus."

If we’re honest, most of the time we see people through the eyes of our pain, our assumption, or our anger. Jesus sees something different. He sees the brokenness behind their behavior, the story behind the sin, the wounds beneath the wound they caused. That doesn’t excuse what they did. But it does change how we respond.

One of the more stretching points Pastor Adam made was this:

"Choose to pay off the debt the person owes you."

In other words, forgiveness means absorbing the cost. Not collecting it. Not holding it over their heads. Not quietly charging interest through bitterness. It’s choosing to say, “I release this.”

And that ties to another one of his practical insights:

"Stop replaying the hurt."

We all know what it feels like to replay the offense; to relive the words, the moment, the tone, the shock. We replay it in the car, in the shower, lying in bed, talking to a friend, or sometimes just quietly to ourselves. But the more we replay it, the more we reinforce it.

Then he added:

"Learn from the past, but don’t live in the past."

That’s a thin line, isn’t it? Learn…but don’t camp there. Remember…but don’t stay stuck there. Forgive…but don’t keep re-digging what Jesus is trying to heal.

And then he said something that almost sounds too simple, but is profoundly true:

"Only you can choose the position of your heart."

People can hurt you. They can wrong you. They can disappoint you, lie to you, or talk about you. But they cannot set the posture of your heart unless you hand them that power.

Your heart is not theirs to control.

He backed that idea with several Proverbs:

• “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” (Proverbs 10:12)

• “He who covers over an offense promotes love.” (Proverbs 17:9)

• “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” (Proverbs 12:6)

And yes — the big one:

"We must forgive even if there is no repentance."

Jesus modeled this at the cross. He offered forgiveness while people were literally killing Him, not apologizing to Him.

Then Pastor Adam ended with a reminder from Matthew 6:14–15:

"If you forgive others, God forgives you. If you refuse to forgive, God doesn’t forgive you."

Not because He’s petty, but because unforgiveness and grace cannot live in the same heart. Bitterness and mercy don’t share the same address.

A Few Extra Thoughts the Sermon Sparked

The more Pastor Adam talked, the more I felt like God was peeling back layers in the room. Because forgiveness is one of those subjects where we all nod on the outside and wrestle on the inside.

So let me add a few reflections and Scriptures that deepen the conversation:

1. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

Forgiving someone does not mean handing them instant trust. Forgiveness happens quickly. Trust is rebuilt slowly.

Joseph forgave his brothers, but he didn’t hand them immediate access to his life again. (Genesis 42–45)

2. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the hurt — it redirects it.

Forgiveness doesn’t make the pain “no big deal.”It simply hands the pain to Someone bigger.

Romans 12:19 reminds us:

“Do not take revenge…It is Mine to avenge, says the Lord.”

Forgiveness is transferring the case from your courtroom to God’s.

3. Forgiveness frees the forgiver.

Most of the time, unforgiveness hurts the person who refuses to give it, not the person who deserves it. Hebrews 12:15 warn us about “the bitter root” that grows and defiles many. Bitterness spreads. It never stays contained.

4. Forgiveness is a process, not always a moment.

Some hurts you lay down once. Others you lay down every day until your heart finally catches up with your obedience. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive, Jesus basically said:

“As many times as it takes.” (Matthew 18:21–22)

So Where Does That Leave Us Today?

Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone “get away with it.” It’s about letting you get free from it. It’s about choosing not to be chained to a moment in the past. It’s about aligning your heart with God’s heart, and trusting Him with the parts you can’t fix, can’t change, and can’t carry anymore.

Forgiveness isn’t denying the hurt. It’s refusing to let the hurt define you. And deep down, we all know this: unforgiveness may feel powerful at first, but in the end, it only drains the one who carries it.

So maybe today, the invitation is simple: let God soften what you’ve been guarding; let Him heal what you’ve been replaying; let Him reposition your heart where bitterness used to sit; let forgiveness lead you back into freedom.